Feeling Isolated

Greetings My Readers,

I know it's been a few days since my last entry, but per usual, I'm busy busy busy. For those of you who know me, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm feeling "isolated". Well, I'll attempt to explain as best as I can.

My social and work life, more or less tend to be one of the same. Simply because of the type of jobs I've worked, as well as the hours I tend to end up working. I know that's not the greatest thing in the world, but hey, that's life. Since I've switched to my new job, I do have "work friends", but they are not people I'd really hang out with outside of work, but they are nice people and enjoyable to talk to at work.

Lately however, I find people at work are talking to me less and less. I'm not sure why. Do I smell bad? Did I offend someone unknowingly? Are there rumours about me I know nothing about? Or is it just a case of everyone is busy and in no mood to talk? Could be any of the above really, which makes one feel rather self concious. Although this simply could be paranoia induced by lack of sleep. Chances are that is all it is, but sometimes it never hurts to be aware of what's going on around you.

Now, for oustide of work, 90% of my time is spent with my g/f. Which isn't a bad thing, I care about her more and more everyday, however, I'm starting to feel like I need a "guys night out" kind of thing, and that's kind of hard when I have next to no male friends, and the male friends I do have either work hours that conflict with mine and we can never hang out, OR they live somewhere else and I'm unable to visit them easily and hang out.

Hmmm, it appears that I'm just being a whiney bitch this evening *L* So I think before I go any further I'll cut myself off, and leave things at that.

Pondering

Well, I taken up my wonderous hobby of thinking too much. Although thankfully it hasn't gotten me into to trouble yet this time, however I do realize that this is a dangerous past-time and there is always a risk that it could.

What have I been thinking about? Lots of things really. However, mostly things fall back to what I would call, missed oppertunities. I try not to regret the decisions that I've made in the past, however sometimes I can't help but wonder how things would be had I chosen a different path. For example, if I had decided not to ask out the woman who is my current girlfriend, and chosen to attempt a long distance relationship with someone else. How would that have turned out? Would I be happier? Or would I be depressed and unhappy?

It's not really regret, as much as it is curiosity. I suppose this isn't something I should be thinking about. I should be thankful for what I have, but there is always that part of me that likes to ponder the "what if's" of my life. Maybe I'm just an emotional sadist.

What Am I?

Well, eventhough the title of this post may indicate I am struggling with my identity, that is not the case. I actually am very comfortable in my identity, that's not my problem. It's more how others see me. If I haven't confused you yet, allow me to elaborate.

Over the years I've moved around a lot. Gone from job to job, place to place, and so on. In that time I've met many people, and made many "friends". I do my best to keep in touch with those people, but alas, some people just couldn't care less. So I've only actually kept in touch with a handful of people, and I'm very happy to have kept those people as friends. In recent months, I have been very busy and haven't had as much time to keep in touch with those people. Some seem to be very understanding of that fact, others, well not so much.

So, my question is this. Am I a jerk for not making more time to keep in touch with people, despite having a rather hectic life at the moment? Or are they the jerks for being frustrated with me for not having more time?

I can apologize until I'm blue in the face for not being online as much as I would like, for not emailing and so on. However, I can only do so much. Usually if I'm sent an email, I will reply. Just because I'm not on MSN when you are, doesn't mean I'm not around at some time. I work a very odd time of day, and that is usually when most people I know are on MSN. Anyway, I think I'm starting to ramble and that's not always a good thing, being the type of person I am. So, I leave you all asking, Am I a Jerk?