From Fantasy To Reality

After my last post, I'm sure some of you, my dear readers, are wondering what course of action I was going to take to rectify the little problem of the crush. Well, I did the whole plausability thing, and decided that talking to the crush was worth the risk. I must say, I'm so glad I did :) Turns out, she had a bit of a crush on me and was wondering what the hell was taking so long for me to come and talk to her.

In my own defence, I have to say I was very uneasy, frightened even, about making such a move. I know fear of rejection is silly, but if you've lived my life of the past 3 years, you'd understand why I was hesitant.

Anyway, after numerous lengthy talks, and a fantastic breakfast together, we've begun dating. So, my readers, it goes to show you, even the hopeless romantic has his/her day :) The way everything happened, was just so amazing. I mean, if I were a writing a movie script for a sappy movie, I couldn't have written a better script. :) It's just amazing what can happen when you take charge of your life and start to live by your own set of rules, within the confines of the actual law of course :) All I can say is I've never felt so alive!!!

Letting Go Of The Past

I've been doing some thinking. A dangerous past time of mine, yes I know. I've come to realize that there are parts of my past, I really need to let go of. I cling to parts of my past and it doesn't do my any good at all, in fact, it is so counter-productive it's not funny. So starting today, I've begun to let the aspects of my past that I've clung to for too long go . It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, me as well as some others, but I have to get on with my life and start living in the now, instead of yesterday and what might have beens.

I have grown and changed and who I was yesterday is not who I am today. Further to the point, some of the people that knew me yesterday, never really knew me anyway. I hid behind a mask of insecurity for so long, and tried to be what others wanted me to be, rather than being myself. I've thrown that mask away, and I'm standing tall, proud and confident. I am more comfortable in my own skin today than I have been in a very long time, and it's time that I lived my life to reflect that, rather than allowing myself to get dragged down by a past that doesn't reflect who I am.

I know this may sound arrogant, and I'm well aware that I'm not really anything special, but the fact remains that who I was then, is not who I am now, and it's time to move on. I moved to a new city to start over, and to try and do things right, not to just fall back on old habits and patterns and be miserable again. This isn't a new me. I'm not re-inventing myself, I'm just finally taking control and living my life my way, instead of the way I think other people want me to. Today I look in the mirror and say "Good morning Stranger, nice to finally meet you" :)

I Thought Crushes Were For Kids, or Maybe That Was Trix...

As you may have gathered from the title of this post, I have a crush. I thought these were something you had when you were young and immature. When you were young and naive in the ways of the heart. I can remember being in Junior High and having them, and when someone found out, you'd get teased about it, you'd blush and sometimes you'd "go out" with them. Hold hands at lunch time, maybe make out, badly I might add because most kids at 13 have no idea of what they're doing, and within a week or two the whole thing would be over and you'd move on to the next one.

Since I've been an adult, I didn't really find myself getting "crushes". I'd find a woman attractive, make a "move", if things progressed, great, if not, well, I moved on. However, recently, I find myself crushing on this particular woman, and due to complications I won't get into, it's hard to actually do anything about it, and it's driving me mad!

Have I regressed to the state of mind of a horny teenager? No longer in control of my feelings or my hormones? No longer capable of weighing the pros and cons of the situation, coming to a logical conclusion as to my course of action and then following through on that conclusion? Has this woman gotten to me so bad, that I don't know what is up or down anymore? Did I not think it was possible to feel this way and now I'm totally confused and have no idea of what to do, where to turn, or how to, with risk of sounding redundant, feel?

Expectations and Disappointments

Lately I find I've been having a lot of both. I get these expectations of what things should be like, and when they aren't what I expected, naturally I get disappointed. Is it my own fault for having high expectations? Is it the fault of those not living up to those expections? I guess that's all a matter of perspective.

Perhaps I'm being selfish and when things don't go my way I have a tantrum. On the other hand, it could be I'm being misled, and the misdirection is causing me to have unrealistic expectations, and again, when things don't work out, I get annoyed, disappointed, even pissed off.

I don't like feeling any of these things, and I'm sitting here trying to come up with a solution to this problem. Should I just "suck it up" and live with it? Should I just continue through life without any expectations at all, in doing so, eliminating the chance of feeling let down by something or someone? I think the best thing is to try to merge the two ideals together and prevent myself from becoming completely jaded and apathetic. Yes I'm part of a generation that, sadly, is very jaded and apathetic considering the state of affairs throughout the world today, however I'd rather not be so uncaring that I become a cold hearted bastard and a shut in.

Web Cam Activated

Well, after many years of teetering back and forth on if I should or should not purchase a webbcam, I did so today. A nice little Logitech WebCam. I'm very fond of Logitech computer gear. Now I don't work for Logitech and I'm not paid to pimp their gear, but they make good quality gear :) and I don't mind paying out the extra cash to get a keyboard, mouse or in this case a webcam made by them, because I know I'm getting a quality, reliable peice of gear. Okay I'm done pimpin' now ;)

Anyway, I know some of you who know me are asking "Why a WebCam? You have a digital camera!" and the answer is simple. I'm lazy, and I'm not always in the mood to get my camera, take a picture, upload it to my computer, then send it in an email or upload it to a webspace. This way, if someone wants to see me, I just activate the webcam and wave :) Simplicity is the key people! However, I will continue to use my digital camera, however it will be more for night's out, trips and what not. So, little by little, the Spankosaur is moving up in the world, and I must say, it feels good :)

I Have Opinions, Deal With It!

Lately at work I've been stating my opinions, and my views on particular topics. Most people are fine with this. They are respectful, they listen to what I have to say, offer their insights and we have nice intelligent conversations. There are a few however, that don't seem to think that anyone elses opinions matter. I will admit I can be opinionated, and I'll defend my opinion to the death if need be, however if proven wrong, I'm adult enough to admit that I was wrong, mistaken, or even a little misguided or ill informed. The people I'm talking about will crap all over your opinion just because it differs from theres, and despite providing numerous sources to support your opinion, you're still wrong, and always will be wrong and shame on you for having an one that differs from theirs.

I'm a tolerant person to a point, but I find lately I've grown tired and easily annoyed by people who don't respect what others have to say. Now I will admit sometimes I get a little wrapped up in my own opinions and become a little like a mother hen lecturing and cluckin' away, and I really don't mean to, I'm just a little passionate about some things and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm not fanatical or anything. I won't blow up a building just because someone there disagreed with me. However, I do think everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if I'm respectful of yours, you should be respectful of mine. If I disagree, that's not disrespect, I just don't agree and wish to discuss if further. Disrespect is automatically dismissing an opinion because it's not yours. Being that close minded and ignorant, well, just pisses me off.

Anyway, what I'm getting at, I suppose, is that I have opinions and I will express them and if you can't deal with that, and are too wrapped up in your own little sheltered world now to listen to what I have to say with an open mind, just don't talk to me :) We'll both be a lot happier :)